A few Bird Joke’s
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To get to the chick across the street!
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:
“Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again.
He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage
was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes”, said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”…
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? A pecking order.
What’s brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!
What birds spend all their time on their knees? Birds of prey!
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger!
What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird!
Where do birds meet for coffee? In a nest-cafe!
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? With it’s sparrowchute!
What is green and pecks on trees? Woody Wood Pickle!
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek? Fowl play!
Which bird is always out of breath? A puffin!
What’s got six legs and can fly long distances? Three swallows!
Why did the owl, owl? Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er!
What do you call a crate of ducks? A box of quackers!
What language do birds speak? Pigeon English!
How do you get a parrot to talk properly? Send him to polytechnic!
What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A firequaker!
What is a parrot’s favorite game? Hide and Speak!
What do you call a Scottish parrot? A Macaw!
What do parrots eat? Polyfilla!
What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment!
What bird tastes just like butter? A stork!
What’s another name for a clever duck? A wise quacker!
What do owls sing when it is raining? ‘Too wet to woo’!
What flies through the jungle singing opera? The parrots of Penzance!
What kind of bird opens doors? A kiwi!
What is a duck’s favorite TV show? The feather forecast!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark? A bird that will talk you ear off!
What do you call a bird that lives underground? A mynah bird!
Where do birds invest their money? In the stork market!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker? A bird that talks in morse code!
What happens when ducks fly upside down? They quack up!
What happened when the owl lost his voice? He didn’t give a hoot!
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon? A bird who knocks before delivering its message!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede? A great walkie-talkie!
What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender? Shredded Tweet!
What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish? Tweetie Pie!
What kind of birds do you usually find locked up? Jail-birds!
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!
What is the definition of Robin? A bird who steals!
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken
Why didn’t the chicken skeleton cross the road? Because he didn’t have enough guts
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the “net”? It wanted to get to the other site!
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? An alarm cluck!
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
How long do chickens work? Around the cluck!
Why did the chicken end up in the soup? Because it ran out of cluck!
What do you call a crazy chicken? A cuckoo cluck!
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way? She was tickled to death!
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A bird that lays down!
Why don’t chickens like people? They beat eggs!
Why is it easy for chicks to talk? Because talk is cheep!
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder? She lays hand gren-eggs!
What happened when the chicken ate cement? She laid a sidewalk!
What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken? She kicked the bucket!
Why did the chicken cross the road half way? He wanted to lay it on the line!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics!
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy? “You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Why did the chick disappoint his mother? He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be!
Is chicken soup good for your health? Not if you’re the chicken!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties? Coop-cakes!
**
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An eggroll!
What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg? The bombshell!
What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? It eggs-plodes!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? Dead.
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!
What is the strongest bird? A crane!
What birds are found in Portugal? Portu-geese!
What is the difference between a fly and a bird? A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird!
Q: Why did the chicken say, “Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?” A: He was studying foreign languages.
My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word. What’s that? Ouch!
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot? An animal that’s always telling you how busy it is!
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
What is a parrot’s favorite game? Hide and Speak!
Where do blind parrots go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter!
What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock? Politics
What’s the definition of a Parapet? Pet parrot kept by parachutist!
What’s the definition of Parity? Two parrots exactly the same!
What geometric figure is like a runaway parrot? A polygon .
Teacher: What’s the definition of a Polygamist? Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!
What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.
What’s the definition of Polystyrene? A plastic parrot!
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath? Polly unsaturated!
What do you call the place where parrots make films? Pollywood!
What did the parrot say on Independence Day? Polly wants a firecracker!
What did the rich socialite’s parrot say? Polly want a cracker, with cavier please!
What did the parrot say when he saw a duck? Polly want a quacker!
Which bird ran for President? H. Ross Parrot
Why do parrots carry umbrellas? So they don’t become polly-saturated!
How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent? It speaks in Polly-syllables!
What’s a parrot’s favourite game? Monopoly!
What are a parrot’s favourite literary characters? Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!
What’s a parrot’s favourite song? I love Parrots in the Springtime!
Why is politics for the birds? Because politiciands always parrot the same old lines!
Why did the bird join he air force? He wanted to be a parrot trooper!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting “Pieces of four”? Short John Silver!
What is a parrot? A wordy birdy!
Why did the rooster run away? He was chicken!
What is the definition of a goose? An animal that grows down as it grows up!
What goes ‘peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang’? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange? ‘Dad, dad, look what marma-laid’!
How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday? Eat him on Saturday!
What kind of bird lays electric eggs? A battery hen!
What do you get from a drunk chicken? Scotch eggs!
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick-layer!
Why does a rooster watch TV? For hentertainment!
What happens when geese land in a volcano? They cook their own gooses!
Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air? Because eggs were going up!
How do you make a tame duck wild? Annoy it.
What do you get if you cross an eagle with a skunk? A bird that stinks to high heaven.
What does an educated owl say? Whom.
What do confused owls say? Too-whit-to-why?
What did the baby owl’s parents say when he wanted to go to a party? You’re not owld enough.
What do Scottish owls sing? Owld Lang Syne.
What did the scornful owl say? Twit twoo.
Two owls were playing pool. One said, “Two hits.” The other replied, “Two hits to who?”
What do you get if you cross a giant, hairy monster with a penguin? I don’t know but it’s a very tightfitting tuxedo.
Why did a man’s pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed.
Teacher: What’s a robin? Fred: A bird that steals, ma’am.
What do you call a vulture with no beak? A head banger.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls (bagels, get it?).
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons? “He wanted to be a hentertainer.”
What kind of doctor does a duck visit? A Ducktor.
Chicken to turkey: “Only Thanksgiving and Christmas??? You’re lucky, with us it’s any Sunday.”
Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri? To show the opossum it could be done.
How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks? Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.
A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late. “Where were you? I was worried sick.”
“It was such nice day, I decided to walk.”
“Look at that speed!” said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. “Hmph!” snorted the other. “You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!”
**
Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them, they’d break
Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn’t chicken.
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot “Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I’ll break your neck, do you understand?” The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can’t get the case closed. “Get on top and sit on it baby!” Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can’t shut the case. “You get on top baby it might be better” Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says “Ok we’ll both get on top see if that’s any better!” The parrot turns round and says “Neck or no neck I have to see this!”
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said: “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven ess. I will try to correct my behavior.” David was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”
Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them, they’d break
Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn’t chicken.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does it cost so much?” asks the customer.
“Well,” the owner explains, “that parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer asks about the next parrot and is informed that it costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot.
“$4,000,” says the shop owner proudly.
“Wow!” the customer exclaims. “What can he do?!”
“To be honest,” the shop owner admits, “I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
*******
A duck walks into a drug store and buys a chapstick. The clerk says, “Will that be cash or charge?” The duck says, “Just put it on my bill!”
Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown. The first vulture asks the second vulture: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Did you hear about the newly discovered red-phase owl. It was found in San Francisco sittin’ on the dock of the bay. Scientists are not sure what the common name will be, but the scientific name is Otus Redding.
A Blue Jay applied for the receptionists job at the new AT&T headquarters. The interviewer, a bit non-plussed, told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to type at least 80 words per minute. The Jay demonstrated a 100 wpm talent! Not wanting to hire a BIRD for the job, the interviewer told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to take dictation. The Jay surpassed all other candidates. Finally the interviewer thought he’d be able to get rid of the Jay with “the candidate must be bilingual!” The Jay replied “Meow!!”
I understand that a crow has one less pinion feather than a raven. Therefore how do you tell a crow from a raven? It’s a matter of opinion.
Judge: young man, it says here you shot and killed a California Condor. How do you plead? Defendant: Guilty your honor. Judge: GUILTY!? Don’t you know how endangered these condors are? There are hardly any left at all. Defendant: Yes sir, I know, but I had to feed my family, we’re so poor. Judge: That’s no excuse. I fine you 30 days in jail. By the way, what does California Condor taste like? Defendant: It’s real good, kinda like a cross between Bald Eagle and Whooping Crane!
Question: Why do hummingbirds hum? Answer: Because they don’t know the words.
What do you get when a Rooster mates with a vegetable? CHICK PEAS
Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chickens foot.
What do you get when you cross a bird with a comedian? JAY LENO!
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: To prove to the Opossum that it could be done!
Question: What does a 1,000 lb. canary say? Answer: Here kitty, kitty, kitty!
What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower? Shredded Tweet!
How do you get down off an elephant? You don’t! You get down off a duck.
A magician was performing on cruise ship and each night while performing his pet parrot keeps saying “its up his sleeve” ” its in his pocket”. “its in his shoe”. “in his pants” etc and the magician was loosing his patience. one night while performing his tricks the ships boilers blew and the ship sank, the lucky magician was able to grab onto a ships table and float on the sea for a few days. the parrot in the mean time seemed non plussed and was looking quizzically at the magician for a few days whilst drifting. On the 4th day the parrots looks at his master and says “I give up… what did you do with the ship?”
Not a joke but a true story! My birding mentor’s 14 year old daughter had taken a message for her father while he was out. When he returned, this is what he got. “Daddy, Mr Jones called, he said the Upland Plovers were in at the airport but I’m sorry, I failed to get the flight number”.
Two old men went out on a fishing trip with a wise old skipper. Shortly after leaving the dock two laughing gulls flew over their craft and one decided to let its’ intestinal contents free. The excrement landed on the bald head of one of the fishermen. The other old man exclaimed “Don’t get upset. Stay right here and I’ll go fetch some toilet paper”. The skipper replied, “No need for that. By the time you return the birds will have flown away”.
Did you ever notice that when ducks migrate in their Vee formation, one side of the line is longer than the other? Know why that is? There’s more ducks in it.
What is gray? A melted penguin.
Why do birds fly south? Because it is too far to walk!
What is a bird after he is five days old? Six days old!
Why does a stork stand on one leg? Because if he took the other leg off the ground he would fall on the ground!
Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? A: I’ll tell you tomorrow!
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, “Where did you get that thing?” The parrot replies, “In France, there are millions of them!”
This guy in a station wagon is riding down the road with the back full of penguins. A cop sees him and pulls him over and says,”I want you to take those penguins to the zoo right now!” The guy says, “O.K.” Next day the cop sees this same guy going down the road with the penguins in the back. This time the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over again and says,”I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.” The guy answers, “Yeah, that’s right, we went and had a helluva time. We’re going to the beach today!”
Two duck hunters out on the marsh duck hunting. One says to the other, “we’re not having much luck today getting any ducks.” The other one says, ” maybe we’re not throwing the dog high enough.”
A mother bird, a daddy bird and their baby bird were getting ready to migrate. The mother bird said, “My instincts tell me to go north.” The daddy bird said, “My instincts tell me to go south.” The baby bird said,”My end stinks too, but it doesn’t tell me where to go!”
- How do you catch a unique bird? A. Unique up on it. Q. How do you catch a tame bird. A. Tame way — unique up on it.
A man went swimming on Galveston Island, he left his watch with his shoes. A bird ate his watch and flew away, he chased it into a large flock of birds. Grabbing a rock, he started towards the flock. When a cop stopped him, he stated “One of those birds ate my watch, I’m leaving no tern unstoned until I find it”.
It seems the United States’ FAA has a unique device for testing windshield strength on airplanes. It is a gun that fires a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at about the same speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the impact, it could survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British wanted to test the device on a new highspeed locomotive they are developing, so they borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded a chicken, and fired. The bird not only shattered the windshield, but also went through the engineer’s chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The stunned Brits asked the FAA to re-check the procedure to see if they had missed something. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and came back with just one recommendation. “Thaw the bird out first.”
What happens to a duck when he flies upside down? He quacks up.
It is easy to determine if someone is committed to a cause or just involved. Consider the case of the bacon and egg breakfast. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed!
Q: What does duck eat with his soup? A: Quackers
A pigeon was pacing up and down anxiously in Central Park when he saw his friend hop up on the curb. “Where have you been, I’ve been waiting here for hours?” The new arrival looked around him and said, “It was such a nice day, I said to myself — what the heck, I’ll walk!”
A man walked into the office of a talent agent on the 72nd floor of a skyscraper. “I’ve got a great act,” he tells the agent. “Just watch this.” The man opens the window, perches on the ledge and starts flapping his arms. Then he pushes off and flys around outside the window executing intricate aerobatic maneuvers. Having finished his demonstration, the man flaps in to a perfect landing on the window sill and steps back into the agent’s office. “What do you think of that?” he asked the agent. The talent agent yawned. That’s it? Bird imitations?”
A burglar crept into a dark house and as he crossed the room he heard a voice say, “JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!” He froze in his tracks and waited. He started walking again, and again the voice came “JESUS IS WATCHING YOU”. Finally the burglar’s eyes adjusted to the dark and with great relief he saw a parrot in a cage in the corner. “What’s your name,” he asked the parrot. “Bonzo” said the parrot. “Who gave you that stupid name” sneered the burglar. “The same guy who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”
So there is this parrot and he knows a bunch of swear words and the owner says , “If you don’t stop swearing I’m going to sick you in the freezer.” So the parrot starts swearing and the guy puts him in the freezer. The parrot continues cussing up a storm but after a few minutes the parrot suddenly stops. The guy says “Will you stop swearing now?” and the parrot says “I’ll stop, but first I want to know what the chicken did.”
An old sea captain with a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a black patch over one eye is telling a kid how he got his injuries: “It was a big sea battle, lad. A cannonball flew across the deck and took off me leg. Later a doctor friend fixed me up with this wooden one.” “How did you lose your hand?” asks the kid. “The same battle, lad. The pirates, they boarded me ship and their captain, he whacked off me hand with his cutlass. Later, the doctor friend gave me this hook.” The kid says. “I guess you lost your eye in the same battle.” “No”. says the captain. “I was looking up one day, and a seagull crapped right in me eye.” “Gee” says the kid “You mean the seagull crap blinded you?.” “No” the captain replies,”First day with me new hook.”
A man went into a pet shop and said ‘have you got any birds?’ the shop keeper replied ‘Yes, we have three birds, a square bird, a circle bird and a triangle bird.’ ‘I think I’ll take the square bird.’ ‘OK, here’s your bird but keep it away from other shapes.’ So the man took the bird to a square home in a square car. Then he found the bird a square cage and put it in a square room with square objects in it. Soon the bird learned to talk so his master had a party in the bird’s honor. When everyone was quiet the bird gave a little talk so everyone gave it a round of applause and the bird died!
Two turkey vultures were preparing to migrate north for the summer but, after talking about it, they decided they were too old to fly all that way, so they decided to take a plane. When they were about to board the aircraft, the flight attendant, noticing that both buzzards were carrying a dead armadillo, asked, “Would you like to check those armadillos through as luggage?” “No thanks,” the buzzards replied, “they’re carrion.”
Q: what type of bird was seen over the Chesapeake Bay? A: a bagel!
Why does a chicken coop have only 2 doors? If it had 4 it would be a sedan.
- How do you know if you are a birder? A. You might be a birder if you have ever faked your own death to attract vultures.
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross back? He was a dirty double-crosser!
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chickens day off.
A man goes to his local bank and asks for a loan to start a chicken farm. The loan official asks him what exactly the loan is for-it is to buy new chicks. The loan is okayed but a week later the man is back, seeking another loan to buy new chicks. The loan officer asks “What happened to the first batch of chicks?”, to which the man replies, “I don’t know! I can’t figure out if I’m planting them too close together or too far apart.”
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So…the one flies over and the other one swims through — which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam of course, because “Da oily boid gets da woim.”
Two statisticians went duck hunting. A mallard flew overhead and one statistician fired just to the right of the bird. The other statistician fired just to the left of the bird. They turned to each other in glee, and congratulated each other… “On average, he’s dead!”, they cried! The mallard continued his migration.
From the late Red Skelton: Two seagulls, Gertude and Heathcliff are standing around. Gertrude says, “have you seen the new 1999 cars?” Heathcliff says, “yeah, I just spotted one!”
Three birds were walking down the street. Two walked into a bar, the other one ducked!
This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice, “Can you talk?” This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird. Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts, “CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID MORONIC BIRD? CAN YOU TALK?” The bird looks him in the eye and says “I can talk, all right. Can you fly?”
Q: What do you get when you cross a Golden Eagle with a razor? A: A Bald Eagle!
At the local zoological park, there worked a very old keeper. He had worked at the zoo for so long, he had only two responsibilities. The first was to care for the zoo’s male lion. This lion was so magnificent, the Governor had proclaimed it the state lion. The second was to care for the zoo’s porpoise. This porpoise had lived at the zoo for years. In fact, nobody knew exactly how old the porpoise was, and everyone simply called it the immortal porpoise. It was thought that the secret to the porpoise’s long life was its daily diet of young gulls, fed to it by the zookeeper. Well, one day the keeper came into work and went down to the dock to collect the gulls to feed the porpoise. At the dock, he saw the lion (who had escaped from his cage during the night) stretched out across the dock, asleep. Panicking slightly, the zookeeper decided to creep quietly across the lion, get the gulls, feed the porpoise and then get help to capture the lion. So, he carefully stepped over the lion and filled his bucket full of the young gulls. As he carefully crossed back over the lion…..he was arrested!!!! He was caught crossing the state lion, with young gulls, for an immortal porpoise!!
Two crows are sitting on a fence, when a jet-fighter doing training maneuvers roars overhead. 1st crow says wistfully “Man, I sure wish I could fly that fast!” 2nd crow remarks “If you had two butts, and both of them were on fire, you could!”
*****
Q: When should you buy a bird?
A: When it’s going cheep!
Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
Q: What is green and pecks on trees?
A: Woody the Wood Pickle.
Q: There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn. If it laid an egg, which way would it roll?
A: Roosters don’t lay eggs!
Q: Why did the bird get a ticket?
A: It broke the law of gravity!
Q: What do you call a chicken in the 1960’s?
A: A funky chicken.
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls!
Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame bird?
A: The tame way, unique up on it!
Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
A: With its sparrowchute.
Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment.
Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg?
A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
Q: How did the bubble gum cross the road?
A: On the bottom of the chicken’s foot!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?
A: He was a dirty double crosser!
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don’t know the words.
Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: He got caught peeping on a test.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?
A: To get to the other size!
Q: Why do ducks fly south?
A: Because it’s too far to walk!
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
There was a duck who walked into a store and said, “got any candy?” The storekeeper said, “no, we don’t.” The next day, the duck went into the same store and asked the same thing and got the same anwer. The duck kept going back every day for a week and asked the same thing and kept getting the same answer until the store keeper got so angry he said, “if you come in here and ask that again, I will hit you on the head with a hammer!” The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “got a hammer?” The store keeper says, “no.” Then the duck asks, “got any candy?”
Q: What does a cat call a hummingbird?
A: Fast food.
Q: What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
A: He was catching all the chickens!
Q: How do chickens get strong?
A: Egg-cersize.
Q: How do crows stick together in a flock?
A: Velcrow.
Q: What did one egg say to the other egg?
A: Let’s get crackin’!
Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers.
Q: Why didn’t the rooster cross the road?
A: Because it was chicken.
Q: What robs you while you’re in the bathtub?
A: A robber ducky.
Q: Why did Mozart sell his chickens?
A: Because they kept saying “bach bach”!
Q: How did the egg cross the road?
A: It scrambled across!
Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A: A polygon
Q: What do you call a sad bird?
A: A bluebird!
Q: Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?
A: So he could grade his eggs.
Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra
Multiple Choice Quizzes
Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees? A: Birds of prey! Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish? A: Tweetie Pie! Q: What do you call a very rude bird? A: A mockingbird! Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up? A: Jail-birds! Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl. Boy: Who? Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot? A: Plant bird seed! Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your car? A: Don’t ask her out again. Q: What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. Q: What do you get when you cross a bird and a lawn mower? A: Shredded tweet. Why does the bird bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper. Q: What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird? A: Cherpies Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken? A: Because they’re both full of stuffing! Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek? A: Fowl play! What do birds like about outside? Debris. Q: What do you call a sick eagle? A: Illegal Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down? A: They quack up! Q: Why did the owl, owl? A: Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er! Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera? A: The parrots of Penzance! Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A: A firequaker! Q: What is a parrot’s favorite game? A: Hide and Speak! Q: What books did the owl like? A: Hoot-dunits! Q: What kind of bird doesn’t need a comb? A: A bald eagle. Q: What kind of bird can carry the most weight? A: The crane Q: What bird is helpful at dinner? A: A swallow! Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated! Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor? A: ‘The pheasants are revolting’! Q: What is the definition of Robin? A: A bird who steals! Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment! Q: What’s another name for a clever duck? A: A wise quacker! Q: Which bird is always out of breath? A: A puffin! Q: What’s got six legs and can fly long distances? A: Three swallows! Q: What is a duck’s favorite TV show? A: The feather forecast! Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark? A: A bird that will talk you ear off! Q: What do you call a crate of ducks? A: A box of quackers! Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens? A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl! Q: Which birds steal soap from the bath? A: Robber ducks! Q: What kind of bird opens doors? A: A kiwi! Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and an oyster? A: Pearls of Wisdom Q: What language do birds speak? A: Pigeon English! Q: What do you call a duck on drugs? A: a quackhead Q: How do you get a parrot to talk properly? A: Send him to polytechnic! Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: Because they forgot the words! Q: how do you know owls are smarter then chickens? A: have you ever herd of Kentuky fried owl? Q: Where do birds invest their money? A: In the stork market! Q: Where do blind sparrows go for treatment? A: The Birds Eye counter! Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker? A: A bird that talks in morse code! Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A: A headbanger! Q: What do owls sing when it is raining? A: ‘Too wet to woo’! Q: What do baby swans dance to? A: Cygnet-ure-tunes! Q: Why do birds fly south? A: Because it is to far to walk Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
